How to Be a Better Lover

How to Be a Better Lover

In a new or long-term relationship, learning how to be a better lover and strengthening your connection with your partner is important.

"According to Elena Touroni, PhD, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, a healthy relationship involves meeting each other's needs mutually. Love, trust, support, respect, honesty, and communication are common characteristics found in healthy relationships."

Support is a vital aspect of a healthy relationship. Maria Sullivan, a relationship expert and vice-president of, emphasizes the importance of a supportive partner who practices attentive listening and provides encouraging feedback. Such a partner genuinely desires to see you thrive. When you have a supportive partner, there is no room for jealousy, competition, or ill intent.

12 Ways to Be a Better Lover

1. Start by actively listening to your partner

Many women openly express their desires in the bedroom, although it may not always be the case. It is crucial to listen attentively and follow your partner’s guidance since nobody knows their body better than they do.

At times, your partner may directly communicate their preferences for specific sexual acts or provide verbal instructions on how to please them. Other instances call for reading their reactions and paying attention to the moans they make during intimate moments.

When listening, observe their body language. If your partner appears nervous, create an environment where they feel comfortable and assured that you won’t judge them.

If you find yourself unsure about how to improve as a lover for your partner, consider asking them about their fantasies or what they desire to experience more frequently in the bedroom.

2. Stop stressing

Being a proficient lover can be challenging when your mind is not fully present. However, it’s crucial to understand that getting caught up in self-doubt and concerns about performance can hinder your ability to please your partner.

Instead of succumbing to anxiety, take a moment to pause and breathe deeply. Remember, even individuals in the adult entertainment industry face occasional performance issues. By adopting a relaxed mindset and exploring different techniques to facilitate your partner’s orgasm, you can navigate these moments with ease.

Feeling nervous or self-conscious in the bedroom is a common experience. One effective approach to overcoming these worries is to shift your focus onto your partner. By prioritizing their pleasure and satisfaction, you can alleviate concerns and heighten the overall experience. However, if these strategies do not yield the desired results, seeking professional assistance to address your anxiety may be a beneficial option to consider.

3. Remember to laugh off stupid stuff

Contrary to the portrayal in adult films, real-life sex is not always wild, glamorous, and intense. Even the most celebrated lovers throughout history have experienced moments of awkwardness, silliness, or less-than-ideal encounters.

It’s important to recognize that no sex life is flawless, and even the most attractive individuals can fall short of someone’s sexual expectations. Let’s face it, sex can be messy. It involves bodily fluids, bodily functions, and inevitably some awkward moments.

Part of being a better lover is acknowledging our shared humanity, with all its imperfections. If a bodily function or an embarrassing moment occurs during a romantic encounter, it’s essential to remember that it’s okay. Laugh it off and move forward. A truly exceptional lover understands that these things happen and can navigate them with grace.

4. Don’t forget foreplay, and don’t forget that it starts outside the bedroom

Many men hold misconceptions about pleasure and sexual encounters, believing that the bedroom is the sole source of satisfaction and that sex solely involves penetration and brief moments of fingering. However, these assumptions are far from accurate when it comes to being a skilled lover.

Rushing into the main act without proper buildup can transform intimacy into a mechanical routine, devoid of passion and excitement. To avoid such a lackluster experience, it is essential to engage in teasing and create anticipation:

Begin by indulging in teasing and playful flirting outside the bedroom. Express your admiration for your partner’s attractiveness and emphasize your desire to be with them. While explicit language may not be necessary unless you are engaged in intimate conversation, the focus should be on building a sultry ambiance.

Embrace the exploration of your partner’s body through massage, gentle caresses, passionate kisses, and more. Taking the time to appreciate their physical form can be a beautiful and sensual experience. It not only heightens the intensity of desire but also demonstrates your profound longing for them.

Consider incorporating elements of kink play into your sexual repertoire. However, engaging in kink requires open and extensive communication about boundaries and desires with your partner. You might be pleasantly surprised by the new heights of pleasure that certain fetishes can unlock, particularly in the realm of foreplay.

Prioritize giving your partner an orgasm before proceeding to the main event. By ensuring her pleasure first, you lay the foundation for a truly satisfying sexual encounter and leave her yearning for more.

Keep in mind that most women do not experience orgasm solely through vaginal penetration. Achieving climax often requires a combination of physical connection and clitoral stimulation. If your intention was to bring her to the peak solely through the act of intercourse, it may not yield the desired outcome.

Remember, being a great lover goes beyond what happens inside the bedroom. It involves understanding and meeting your partner’s needs, engaging in open communication, and embracing the art of anticipation and exploration.

5. Study up on sex

Sex extends far beyond mere penetration and light foreplay. To become a better lover, it is crucial to explore various avenues of pleasure for your partner. These areas of exploration include:

  • Familiarize yourself with proper contraceptive use. Did you know that condoms are only 98 percent effective when used correctly? In real-life situations, their effectiveness drops to around 85 percent. Utilizing reliable birth control methods ensures both the safety of your sexual relationship and reduces stress for your partner.
  • Educate yourself on the importance of consent. In the bedroom, consent is paramount for ensuring that your partner feels valued and respected. Remember that only an enthusiastic “YES!” truly signifies consent.
  • Expand your knowledge through resources like BDSM literature or sex education classes. It may surprise you to learn that many sex toy shops now offer courses on product usage. Whether it’s understanding how to utilize a vibrator, exploring anal play, or mastering the use of floggers, gaining this knowledge can greatly enhance your sexual experiences. Great lovers invest time in studying the art of sex.
  • Reconsider the influence of pornography. While pornography often serves as a primary source of sexual education for men, it is essential to understand that what you see on screen bears little resemblance to real, healthy sexual relationships. The most fulfilling and satisfying sexual encounters do not mirror what is depicted in pornography, as it primarily caters to fantasies rather than reality.

Surprisingly, even sex workers continue to study techniques for consistently delivering orgasms. Striving to learn more about sexual techniques and maximizing pleasure is always a worthwhile endeavor.

6. If you have a sexual dysfunction issue, confront it head-on

Approximately 80 percent of individuals experience some form of sexual dysfunction. This may manifest as erectile dysfunction, influenced by factors like diet or depression, or it can stem from feeling disconnected from one’s sexuality or having body image concerns.

To become a better lover, the most direct approach involves addressing the obstacles that hinder fulfilling sexual experiences, including the known issues you face.

The specific actions required to overcome these challenges vary from person to person. For some, it may involve seeking a urologist for bloodwork, while others may benefit from consulting a sex therapist or a therapist specializing in sexual trauma. In certain cases, it may entail confronting one’s desires head-on.

It is essential to recognize that your partner cannot resolve the issues you have concerning your own self. Successful couples who maintain a healthy sexual relationship over long periods of time understand this truth.

By taking care of sexual dysfunction, you can alleviate the anxiety surrounding sexual activities. There is a distinct sense of empowerment in actively working towards becoming the best version of yourself.

7. Be enthusiastic

Have you ever attempted to engage in a conversation with someone who appeared disinterested or disgusted by your presence? It’s a dreadful experience, and surprisingly, your partner can feel a similar way in the bedroom.

A great lover possesses a genuine passion for their love life and a strong yearning for genuine connection. Women often desire to witness this passion in the bedroom, from tender kisses all over their body to the heartfelt moans you emit.

Relationships that lack desire and enthusiasm from one party tend to have a short lifespan, particularly in long-term and sexual relationships. If you find yourself lacking genuine attraction towards your partner, it’s crucial to reassess the nature of your relationship with them.

Many men mistakenly believe they have lost their attraction to their partner when, in reality, they might be experiencing depression. Before making any hasty decisions about your relationship, take a moment to reflect on whether you have also lost passion in other aspects of your life, such as work or staying informed about current events. Do you find yourself feeling down? These signs are often recognized as common symptoms of depression.

Remember, being a truly satisfying lover goes beyond physical acts alone. It involves embodying passion, desire, and authentic connection in every aspect of your relationship, both inside and outside the bedroom.

8. Remember that your sexual relationship is connected to an emotional connection

Experiencing fulfilling sexual encounters with someone you don’t have an emotional attachment to can be challenging. For many individuals, a sense of disconnection can hinder sexual arousal. In fact, the level of connection and mood you share often matters more than the act of sex itself.

Maintaining a happy and satisfied partner involves fostering intimacy, which extends beyond sexual activity. Intimacy encompasses the deep connection and bonding that is nurtured through shared experiences, cuddling, affectionate gestures, and lighthearted conversations.

Being intimate with your partner means being able to be vulnerable around them and feeling a strong connection to them. This is why going on dates and engaging in activities together is vital for developing such levels of intimacy. It’s not solely about the physical aspect; it’s about nurturing the desire and emotional connection.

To cultivate confidence and satisfaction in the bedroom, it is crucial to treat your partner with kindness and respect outside of it as well. Remember that women are not mere objects of sexual desire; they are your partners, lovers, and ideally, your friends. Recognizing their complete personhood allows for greater respect and love to flourish.

9. Remember that you have to be attractive

Learning to become a better lover brings both good and bad news.

The bad news is that being attractive is essential for a positive sexual experience with any woman. Otherwise, she will feel uncomfortable and simply want it to end. This means you must consistently work on yourself, which requires effort.

The good news is that perfection is not required to be attractive. Being attractive means being the best version of yourself. There are numerous ways to enhance your attractiveness to women, such as:

  • Maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine. You don’t have to be exceptionally fit to attract a partner. Some women are interested in men of various body types. If you have a natural physique, don’t worry too much. However, a balanced diet and regular exercise can bring out your best qualities and contribute to your overall well-being.
  • Practice good hygiene. Before any intimate encounter, ensure that you do not have an unpleasant odor. Body odor should not be overpowering. At the very least, brush your teeth, wash your intimate areas, apply deodorant, and clean your feet.
  • Choose clothing that fits well. You don’t need to resemble a fashion model from a magazine, but selecting clothes that flatter your body shape is important.
  • Foster a positive mindset towards life and love. A negative attitude can sabotage potential intimacy and relationships. Avoid constantly blaming women, assuming failure based on arbitrary factors, or becoming defensively resistant to change. If you notice toxic tendencies, it’s crucial to adjust your perspective before seeking sexual fulfillment.

Seek advice from a trusted friend who is successful in romance and relationships, and be open to listening to their suggestions. It is acceptable to ask a female friend for guidance in this area. However, be prepared as some of the feedback may be challenging to accept.

10, Keep a conversation going with your partner after sex, and between sexual moments

Improving any relationship involves open communication about emotions and desires, leading to exploration and growth.

To achieve this, try various activities in the bedroom and discuss your partner’s enjoyment afterward.

Occasionally, experiment with new sexual techniques to gauge their impact. If your partner expresses interest in repeating the experience or suggests other acts they want to try, it indicates success. Conversely, if the action fails to enhance sexual pleasure for either of you, it is deemed unsuccessful.

Similarly, it is acceptable to take the initiative and voice discomfort or awkwardness regarding certain acts. Being a considerate lover means avoiding situations where your partner feels uneasy or detects any discomfort.

11. Watch for signs that you need to end a sex session early

Ensuring mutual consent is an integral part of the equation.

The aim of any intimate encounter should be to create a pleasurable experience for both partners involved. Regrettably, women often find it challenging to express their lack of interest or discomfort in engaging in sexual activities. This can result in harmful and traumatic situations. As a responsible and considerate lover, it is crucial to address and prevent this issue.

While your partner may still engage in sexual activities with you if they sense your desire and wish to please you, it is important to recognize that consent encompasses more than just saying “yes.”

If your partner appears disinterested or unresponsive at the moment, it is essential to respect their boundaries and consider hitting the pause button or discontinuing the sexual encounter altogether.

Recognizing situations where it is necessary to end sexual activity promptly is crucial. If you observe any of the following behaviors, it is essential to halt sex immediately:
  • Your partner displays a profound lack of interest or shows disengagement. Does she appear as though she would rather not be involved? Does she express exasperation or boredom while engaging in sexual activities? If these signs are present, it indicates that she does not wish to proceed.
  • Your partner becomes unresponsive and gives you a blank, “deer in the headlights” stare. This often indicates that she may have experienced previous traumatic sexual encounters. In such cases, it is imperative to stop engaging in sex immediately and focus on ensuring your partner’s emotional well-being.
  • Your partner explicitly asks you to stop. Regardless of how close you may be to reaching orgasm, both you and your partner have the right to withdraw consent at any given moment. If she vocalizes her wish for you to stop, it is crucial to respect her boundaries and cease all sexual activity.
  • It becomes evident that your partner is not enjoying herself or is experiencing pain. For instance, if she begins crying, it is crucial to immediately halt any further sexual activities.

Forcing your partner to engage in sexual acts against their will is a direct violation of consent. It is fundamental to understand that consent is the foundation of being a respectful and caring lover. Ignoring consent transforms you from a good lover into a perpetrator of sexual assault.

12. Remember that being a great lover looks different to different people

Women are diverse individuals with unique preferences and desires. There is no universal set of likes and dislikes that applies to all women.

While some women may enjoy wild sexual encounters at a nightclub, others may prefer gentle caresses before engaging in any sexual intimacy. It is important to recognize that each woman has her own distinct preferences, which become evident through experience with different partners.

To become a better lover in general, you cannot assume that what works with one woman will apply to every sexual relationship you have. Each woman will have specific preferences and expectations.

To navigate this, it is crucial to actively seek feedback from your current partner, whether it’s a girlfriend, a casual fling, or your wife. By communicating and receiving feedback, you can make adjustments and adapt your approach to suit the desires and needs of your partner.


Developing self-esteem and confidence is crucial for becoming a better lover, both within and outside the realm of your relationship. It is essential to understand that relying solely on your spouse or girlfriend for validation is not a sustainable approach.

Acquiring the necessary confidence to enhance your lovemaking abilities is a challenging task, and unfortunately, there is no step-by-step guide readily available. As a man, it is imperative to embrace your masculinity and take charge of your personal growth.


What makes a perfect lover?

Being generous with your truth, honesty, and kindness, and seeking a mutually beneficial relationship where both parties are satisfied is essential. It requires taking full responsibility for our choices and allowing others to treat us according to their behavior and actions.

How do I act more in love?

The act of loving involves three fundamental steps:

1. Recognizing and embracing the loving gestures of your partner.
2. Showing appreciation and expressing gratitude for their actions.
3. Reciprocating their love through meaningful actions of your own.

What is the secret of true love?

To discover genuine love, it is essential to prioritize authenticity and self-acceptance. In order for someone to love and embrace you during your imperfect moments, you must be willing to extend the same acceptance to others. Start by being true to yourself, as this sets the foundation for welcoming someone else’s genuine self.

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